#18 Thoughts of An Insomniac

I look over at the clock, it’s already 3:47 in the morning. Every night is the same. I lay here in my bed, hour after hour, look out the window at that tree, and think of you. It’s been almost a year since you left, but it still hurts like that first day. You weren’t supposed to leave, you had so many goals for your life, and we were going to get married and spend our forevers together.

It’s pretty ironic how things eventually turn out. I used to be the dreamer. I had a spark in my eyes, I had goals and ambitions, and I was going to do so many things. Now that you’re gone, I’m an insomniac, I can’t sleep, and when I do, it’s restless and there’s no dreams. I can’t even act like a normal human being anymore, I have a panic attack every time I walk outside and see the tree. I can’t imagine my future anymore, you were my future, you were my dreams, you were my everything.

Life with you felt like a dream. Why you decided to go, will forever be a mystery to me. You never showed any signs, you never hinted at it, but one day, you were just gone.

Why did you decide to leave us? You were, and still are, so loved. You were everything a girl could want in a man. The only time I ever felt at home was when I was with you, I felt safe and secure, like nothing could ever happen to me and that I would always be that happy. You made me realize that home didn’t have to be a house, that anywhere could be home, as long as we were together. When you left, you took all of that away. You left me here, alone and broken. We were supposed to graduate medical school together, but I couldn’t do it on my own anymore, we were a team, so I dropped out. My teachers encouraged me not to, but I couldn’t keep going there without you.

Somehow, I’ve gone numb. I ache to feel something, anything at all. I want to feel your fingers intertwined with mine, I want to feel your hair as I run my hands through it, I want to feel your hand on my back and for you to give me a backrub like you always would when I got sad. I just want you here again so I could tell you how in love I am with you, that you’re incredibly handsome, so charming and sweet, how your smile could light up any room and that it lit up my world, how funny you are, how it amazed me and so many others how intelligent you are.

As I lay here, I remember every moment spent with you and how I took that time for granted. I never realized how little time I had with you. I never would have argued with you over anything, because every moment that I spent mad at you was just wasted time that I will never get back. I would have listened to you more, and talked less, because it’s pretty obvious now that you needed someone to listen, and it breaks my heart knowing I didn’t do that.

I don’t think I’ll ever get that picture out of my mind. Walking out into our backyard, and seeing something hanging from the tree, and swaying from side to side. I didn’t register it at first, and when I realized what it was, I didn’t even think it could possibly be you. It makes me shake, just thinking of your lifeless body and your dead, cold eyes staring down at me. That’s not something you can easily forget. I see those eyes everywhere, when I lay here at night, sometimes I’ll see you, but not how you normally were, but cold and lifeless.

I lay here, think of you, and I cry out. I cry out to whoever will listen. I cry out to a God that I hope is listening. I cry out and hope that you can hear me, wherever you are. I cry out in hope that God will answer, and provide some relief, and that you will hear me and realize that I loved you more than I’ve ever loved myself or anyone else. I cry and cry and I scream, wishing someone, anyone at all would hear me and answer.