#40 The Plan

The Plan

Looking back, I realize our little plan to punish our rival school wasn’t the brightest. All we wanted was for them to get what they deserved and for us to finally beat them. That’s not such a bad idea, is it?

It was our junior year. Lyle, Bryan, Malvin, and I were sitting in English class talking about the big River Ridge bust. We had heard that some basketball players had the coach buy them some booze. The coach was apparently fired, but the players didn't get in trouble at all.

"That is so unfair," Lyle said. "You know how easily we could beat them if those players got suspended?"

Malvin agreed. "Those guys do all sorts of stuff and never get in trouble. Just once I wish they would get busted."

"Hey...there's an idea!" Bryan said. We all looked at Bryan confused.

"What idea?" I asked.

"To get them busted, of course," he answered. "What if we somehow got them to do something illegal, then called the cops on them? Then their parents couldn't talk their way out of it."

"Ya! Maybe we could actually win!" Lyle exclaimed. Our teacher, Mrs. Croman, gave us a dirty look since we were supposed to be reading these stories our classmates wrote.

I told the guys to whisper so she wouldn't hear. We're pretty sneaky like that.

"OK, let's make a plan," I said. "How are we gonna get them to do something illegal?"

"Wait!" Malvin said. "I heard the IHSA was cracking down on steroid use in high schools. I think Coach Sack said something about them coming out to the schools in a couple of weeks to test kids. What if we put steroids in their water? Then ALL the athletes would test positive and I wouldn't have to wrestle that mammoth at Regionals!"

We thought Malvin's idea was perfect. Problem was, none of us knew where to get steroids.

"Isn't there like a steroid store at the mall?" Bryan asked.

"Oh ya!" I said. "GNC!"

That night after we got out of our practices we headed to WestPark Mall to the GNC store. Bryan walked up to the counter and asked the clerk (who happened to look like The Rock) where we could buy large quantities of highly potent steroids.

The guy looked us over, raising his eyebrows. "And what do you need these for?"

"We wanna get buff," Lyle said, flexing his bicep.

The clerk hesitated for a moment, then decided we looked harmless and took us into the back room.

"OK, you gotta keep this on the down-low, but I've got a few barrels of stuff I can sell you for cash," he said, looking around to make sure his boss or another worker couldn't hear him. "It's the same stuff I use and I looked like you guys a few weeks ago."

"It's a deal!" Bryan exclaimed. We handed the guy all our money and Lyle went out to his truck and pulled it up to the back door. The clerk loaded the barrels into the bed of the truck. We tried to help, but it took all four of us just to lift one an inch off the ground. The clerk just pitched them up there like they were pillows.

On the way home we decided Malvin would put the steroids into the River Ridge school water system. He started rattling off all this farm equipment he had that would make it super easy. We had no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded good to us.

After a few days, we could tell our plan was going smoothly. Pixie, a girl in our class, said her friend from River Ridge stopped over at her house and she seemed to be growing facial hair.

Oh no! We forgot about the effects it might have on the girls! I looked at the others in horror.

"Now what!?" Lyle asked.

"Who cares?" Malvin said. "I mean, since our girls have to play them this weekend, they might get destroyed, but by next week they'll all be busted, so one loss will be worth it."

"Ya," Lyle agreed. "And their girls are ugly to begin with, so a little facial hair won't matter."

The girls ended up getting trounced by River Ridge 87-12. Their teams, apparently, were on a rampage the past week, bull-dozing all their opponents. Except for the wrestling team. They were having a bit of trouble making weight.

"Oh, this is so awesome!" Malvin said. "I may actually make it to State this year!"

The following week, we waited on pins and needles for any sign that the IHSA would be drug testing all the schools. When no one had showed up by Thursday, we started to get a little worried. Malvin went into his coach's office and asked him when the IHSA might be showing up.

"Oh, I was just joshing you!" Coach Sack said with a big grin. "I just wanted to scare the bejeezus out of you guys so you all stay clean."

"Wut." Lyle looked like he could kill Malvin when he told us the news.

"So all of this has been for NOTHING!?" Bryan cried out.

I couldn't even think of anything to say. This was NOT how our plan was supposed to turn out. The bad guys were supposed to get busted! We were supposed to win our game easily without them! My stomach hurt just thinking about facing their team this weekend.

We reluctantly went to practice, but wouldn't tell our coach what was bothering us. We made it through the drills and just hoped for the best when we faced River Ridge.

That weekend, the bleachers were packed with fans from both schools; we could hear Mr. Croman thanking everyone for attending as we waited to run into the gym. He began our pre-game warm-up music with the song "The Final Countdown." Well, it does seem appropriate.

We burst through the poster the cheerleaders held and tried to look confident. Then we saw the River Ridge team. The floor shook as they made their way out of the locker room. All the players had full beards and massive biceps. One couldn't even fit through the single door--Mr. Jowell had to open both of them. When they took off their warm-ups, their chest hair peeked out from their jerseys.

"Oh. My. God." Lyle said. "We created monsters."

"Can we just forfeit?" I asked.

Bryan ran over to Coach Binkler and told him he knew River Ridge was doing steroids and there's no way we should have to play them. He was begging him to forfeit the game.

Just then, Malvin walked into the gym with the biggest grin on his face. "I won! I'm going to State!" Since the River Ridge wrestlers couldn't make weight, Malvin had an easy victory over the other opponents.

"Great. Then you can play these guys for us," I said. "We're gonna get creamed."

"Oh crap!" Malvin had just noticed the River Ridge team. "Hey at least we know that stuff really works!"

"Ya, thanks a lot for nothing!" Lyle said. "You know, you're the only one who really benefitted from this little plan. Maybe you knew all along they wouldn't get tested."

"No way," Malvin cried. "I would never do that to you guys! But...it is pretty funny."

The whistle blew and the game began. River Ridge blocked every single shot of ours and their guys didn't even have to jump to dunk the ball. By the end, we were just chucking the ball straight up in the air, hoping it would fall in. We lost 114-21. All our points were from free-throws.

The next week we cheered on Malvin at State, which wasn't pretty. In his first match, he was pinned in 6.2 seconds. On the bright side, it made the record books for the quickest pin. He was stuck in his second match, too, (in 24 seconds) and he didn't get to wrestle-back since his guy lost.

On the way home, we thought about our plan and how stupid it really was, since, technically, we basically poisoned their entire school. But hearing about River Ridge's science teacher who--while suffering from roid-rage--went ballistic in class, smashing beakers and torching students' papers because they turned them in late, almost made it all worth it. One of the students put the video on YouTube and it already had over a million hits. In a way, it made us proud since we were kind of responsible for it.

Malvin stopped putting the steroids in River Ridge's water and, eventually, the girls stopped growing facial hair (but they're still ugly). Unfortunately, we didn't stop their girls' and boys' basketball teams from winning State. However, their egos were so overly inflated, it led to their crushing defeats in every sporting event following their State wins for several years afterward.

So in the end, we learned that the best way to make sure people get what they have coming to them is to just let karma do its thing.



The End.